1. Be open to listening, your son has something valid he wants to say `They say, we have two ears and one mouth for a reason, to speak more than we listen. Sometimes as moms we get wrapped up in our busy lives and forget (not deliberately) that our sons are there and they need us to listen to them. Not just listen to the words they use but listen to what is behind the words. Say, for example you are on your way out, perhaps to the shops, perhaps to the internet caf etc and your son says to you, `mom are you going out? Its usually obvious to both of you that you are going out what is he really asking though? Perhaps hes saying, `mom, I dont want you to go, or mom, `Id like to talk to you, or `mom, something is bothering me what do you think? What do you do? You know you are in a hurry. You really dont have time to talk at that time. Its really about choices how important is what you have to do? Does it have to be done in that moment? If not, thats fine, you might perhaps make the choice to act flexibly enough to stop and talk to your son. If you really do need to pay attention to something else and not to him in that moment then just say very clearly, you know what he has to say is important and you would like to talk to him. Agree a time to have that conversation where your attention is not so divided. In listening to your son, it is so important to be aware if you have lots of other things going on in your mind at the same time and to ask the question to what extent am I really listening? If you notice you have a lot of verbal traffic in your head, it would be useful to make a conscious decision to deal with those other matters later. Our children know when we are not listening to them. Listen, consciously and awarely, with good eye contact, perhaps sitting down or walking and talking and focusing just on him in that moment. Hell really appreciate it. Listening to him, without interrupting and putting your own thoughts and views in is a real skill that is great to develop. Sometimes thats all they need is a listening ear. 2. Encourage talking I think encouraging our sons to talk is a good skill for us as moms to develop. We live in societies often times where males are not necessarily encouraged to talk and not encouraged to talk about their feelings. Here are some ways to encourage your son to talk: Ask him what he is thinking and how he is feeling
Let him know that what he has to say is important. Some of the ways to do this is:
o To tell him what he has to say is important to you and others.
o When he says something, use what he says in the conversation. If for example he is talking about one of his hobbies, and he talks about how much he is enjoying it, you may acknowledge that you really hear and appreciate that he is loving his hobby (obviously you would use the language that most suites your style of speaking)
Use of non-verbal cues, such as nodding your head, voice volume (e.g. soft and welcoming), smiling (as apposed to frowning), gentle hand gestures (as opposed to sudden startling ones), be aware if you are feeling relaxed or stressed this may leak out in the form of your body language (open or closed) open, for example, with your arms uncrossed and closed may be the opposite.
Use age appropriate language
Let your son finish his sentence
Dont finish his sentences for him3. Avoid one way conversations, really sit and listen to your son One way conversations with you in the driving seat isnt really a good idea. I guess to some extent weve all had these types conversations where someone is literally boring your to death and youre there physically but not mentally and in that way you switch off. Well you know this is exactly what your son will be doing if you engage in monologue as opposed to dialogue. Here are some things you want to avoid when you are `listening to your son: Talking at him, that could be considered a form of preaching, asking `why all the time which could be seen as interrogating, making judgements about what he is saying particularly if those judgements are not deemed as helpful by him, and so the list continues. Sitting and listening to your son, does mean not getting caught up in distractions; it means maintaining good eye contact, repeating back to him some of the things he has said so that he knows he has been heard, this will also enable him to let you know if youve got what he said slightly wrong and so you might listen even more closely. 4. Ask open questions and listen for the answer Open questions who, what, when, why, where and how In starting communication with these words this will often lead to increased conversation and a willingness to maintain a dialogue. They enable the speaker to have an idea that the listener really wants to listen and is interested in what is being said. Its difficult to give a yes or no answer using these words and that is the beauty of them. The speaker is encouraged to think through and elaborate on ideas etc. 5. Develop mutual trust Developing a mutual trust really does come from having a mutual respect between you and your son, one that is based on love, caring, sharing and understanding. Mutual trust is developed through recognition that even if there are disagreements about what is being said; those disagreements will not spill over into name-calling, sneering, and put-downs etc. Mutual respect is built up over time and is ongoing. At its heart is a sense of justice; a sense that your son has been treated fairly, openly and honestly. This will pay huge dividends in the long run. Hyacinth Fraser
Author Live playfully, powerfully and lovingly |
